Tips for being in relationship- with yourself or another!
A fading from light to dark (left to right) fuchsia background surrounded by a bold turquoise line forming an oblong shape with stars attached to lines wrapped around the top, right side, and bottom left. In the center of the shape is outline of two hands in light blue lines, held up wrist to wrist and allowing spacious support of a budding plant.
Deeply listen. This is definitely not a skill many of us are taught or shown, as we live within an onslaught of information, with so many things to do and digest it is hard to gaze our attention towards deep listening. Deep listening requires attunement, which is deep attention to a person’s words, nonverbal communication, and pauses. Deep listening means putting down your own agenda, your own ideas or solutions, and your own judgements and biases, and instead be in service to witnessing what is unfolding for your loved one, for the person opening up to you, trusting you, and sharing with you.
2. No Fixing. This is a refrain from the center for body trust which I always hold close to me for my work and personal relationships. No fixing no fixing no fixing. It’s called the “righting reflex” and it’s the tendency we all have in relationship to hear a problem and offer a quick, seemingly easy solution to fix it. It comes from a place of care, wanting our people to not suffer nor stress, but it comes from OUR vantage point. So it is limited, and often times, it is unhelpful- not only that it won’t work in the case of the individual with the problem- because you are missing MANY pieces of the story, but because it is typically unsolicited and silencing, in that it takes away a person’s autonomy to find their own way forward.
3. No unsolicited advice! Not to be repetitive, but let’s face it we all need it. I don’t really think any further explanation is needed here. People will ask for advice when they want or need it, and then you can give it to them.
4. Get comfortable asking for what your person needs, and letting them know your own needs. For me, it took me a long damn time (too long) to be able to identify, and then communicate, what I need. It’s part of a healing process that we all need. I used to pretend I didn’t have needs, then I would guess at my needs by mimicking other people, and finally I learned to tune in and really understand what I needed, moment to moment, day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year (and our needs change- this is normal!). In our romantic partnerships we are sold the idea that when we meet “the one” they will automatically know intuitively what we need and meet those needs all the time. HA! Magical thinking. We all need to work to identify our own unique needs and learn to communicate those with others so that they can know how to best support us. And when we are in any loving caring relationship, that’s what we want, is to support each other as best we can.
5. Welcome resistance. Roll with it. This is another one from my practice, as we all have different parts of us resistant to change, to healing. With my clients, I get curious about that resistance. Where does it come from? What does it offer? Whose voice or ideas are behind it? In any relationship, we have to welcome that there will be conflict, disagreement, and misunderstandings. It’s totally normal because being a human is super complex, the world that we live in is increasingly chaotic, overwhelming, and complex, and communication is super hard and takes time and tending, which can feel really limited. Understanding that conflict is an expected and normal part of this process can help us lean in rather than run away.
6. Lighten things up with play, laughter, joy, and fun. It ALSO took me a long time to figure out what play and joy and pleasure looked like for myself so if you are there, it’s okay! It’s a process. I decided to stop mimicking joy and pretending about it when I wanted to actually feel it instead of perform it. It was a process, but a worthwhile one. If you are already clear on it for yourself, how can you bring it into the relationships outside of you?
7. Get comfortable with making mistakes, and maybe even reconsider calling them such. Every step is just more information for your journey into better relationship, and better, deeper, more connected relationships are what we are in so desperate need of. Healing happens in relationship.