Tips for Navigating food and body “stuff” on a first date
A pinkish calendar page with a turquoise outline. The picture shows Sunday the 5th is circled and scribbled writing above states “The Date!!” The radical dietitian logo (a pinkish orange seed surrounded by a light blue, darker blue, and turquoise quarter moons)
Dating can be a complex territory to navigate in general, but it can get even trickier when you have a history of or active eating disorder/ disordered eating. Before I get into it, I first want to give a disclaimer, I am FAR from an expert on dating LOL. A client asked me to write on this, and I appreciate having a direction to focus and when I can honor my clients need I do because they are so beloved to me. The author of this article is a major introvert, was single for most of her adult life, and pretty much loathed dating but has a handful of funny stories to tell from it.
There are lots of reasons people date, and so I don’t want to assume a common experience here. My experience of dating and it will come out here was that I was looking for long term partnership. I also want to say, from my own process and almost a decade sitting with clients, some single and grappling with the dating scene, there can be a lot of shame and blame when it comes to singleness. Inner narrative stories can have ideas about you and your broken-ness or wrong-ness, and this is Horse Shit. It is totally normal to be single. There are lots of pleasures in being single (and I don’t want to bypass the sharp pain and loneliness to being single when you long for partnership- because that is real and super hard). People have all sorts of dating advice and how to find the right one, but the truth is: it’s totally random. And truly about timing and readiness.
I am getting married next year, at 43 for the first time, after a mostly single adulthood (one 5 year partner prior). When I think of those years of painful solitude, the stories of rejection (that sent my RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria, into hyperdrive), I am so thankful to myself that I endured it. I met my person who feels Just Right. It takes work, for sure, but the way that we fit together and work together and create a life together is honestly better than I ever imagined. I truly believe, and people told me this when I was in some deep pain around my single-ness(and sometimes I was like F you what do you know, lol so if you are there I get it) that if you want partnership and you are working on the parts of yourself that you need to alone, that in time you will meet your person. Without forcing it or settling- it will feel just right.
Below are 10 tips to have available as you prepare for a first date.
Show up authentically You want to date someone who likes you for who you are, not who you are pretending to be. You know how to be yourself, so show up in that way! Everyone gets nervous about first dates, and so don’t judge yourself for that. Accept that it’s a nerve wracking stressful situation but that you can still laugh about it, connect with someone, or meet someone new who you’ll never see again (and maybe have some funny stories to share). But for sure, be yourself. Because the risk of not being yourself means pretend you might hit it off with someone and then you have to pretend to be that pretend you for a while!
Remember, you don’t want to date someone who has judgements about your body Unfortunately we live in a world rife with body judgements and anti-fatness because over-culturally this is perpetuated. Does that mean everyone operates first and foremost from these values? No! Fat people, disabled people, “ugly” people, etc. are ATTRACTIVE, and there are many people who allow themselves to be attracted to bodies and humans for all of the very real and varying and unique reasons that humans are attracted to each other. There is no playbook or rule book for this. Lots of people try to hide the parts of them that the over-culture deems “unattractive” but remember number 1, it doesn’t sound too great to be trapped in a relationship where there is judgement or expectations about your physical appearance, because there is so much more to you then your body. So, no thank you, move on! There are many fish in the sea and if you want companionship you will find it in someone who is attracted to all of the varying, vast, and absolutely stunning parts of who you are. I love this video by William Hornby that highlights just this.
Find your ground Because first dates can be nerve wracking (for most people) it might be helpful to do some grounding work before you embark to meet someone. This can be anything that helps you to find your grounding, connect to your values and truth, and show up authentically. Any nervous system calming techniques that have worked for you could be helpful to revisit as you prepare.
Decide on a place where you will feel good and comfortable Offer up a meeting spot or activity where you know you’ll feel comfortable and good, and if an offer is suggested from your date that doesn’t feel great to you, politely decline and offer a couple of alternatives instead. Remember, you get to be you in this relationship and most relationships start with a first date or interaction, so set the tone for what you are wanting and needing in relationship at the forefront, and having your needs and desires be respected at the forefront is a good test of how the relationship would be.
Wear what makes you feel good and comfortable This ties into number one, show up authentically! What makes you feel great? How will you feel comfortable? This is where body stuff can come in and get really loud. You are so much more than your body. What colors, fabrics, footwear, accessories make you feel like a queen or royalty? Bring up good feelings? Are good luck charms? Feeling good and comfortable will help you to hold all of yourself and stay true to yourself. Don’t reduce yourself to an object. Attraction is so much more than how we’ve been socialized into it. Deep attraction and connection is so much more satisfying than to be prized as someone else’s definition of “hot”.
Dating is a process, and all of it can be considered practice It’s not uncommon to put a lot of unrealistic outcomes on a first date, we get excited and we can get swept up into story. And, there is no magic equation to when and how you’ll click with someone. Instead of planning the rest of your life with the person you have not yet met (lol iykyk), get comfortable with the idea of meeting new people and practicing vulnerability, authenticity, and connection. What does it feel like to stay in your body, stay kind and supportive to yourself, and get curious about the other humans you are connecting with and meeting? Stay in the moment, and if it doesn’t turn out to be a second date, you’ve had some experience in practicing human connection from a true place, and that will aid your whole dating journey. And also, remind yourself, you can leave at anytime and either be up front about it or offer a little white lie, your time is yours and you don’t owe anyone anything if it’s not a good fit or you don’t feel comfortable.
Remember, You want someone who will be supportive, caring, and compassionate In my work and in my own life I see a lot of self blame happening when a date doesn’t go well, when someone gets ghosted or treated inconsiderately. Instead of thinking, wow, that person was a jerk or bad with communication or hurtful to me for no reason- people say “this is about me and my flaws”. Nope! There are lots of jerks, bad communicators, and hurtful things humans do. It has nothing to do with you! Look for the people that are supportive, caring, and compassionate- even if it doesn’t turn into a second date you can get used to what that feels like and remind yourself that other people’s behaviors have nothing to do with you, and you don’t want to end up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you well so really, phew, glad it worked out that way.
Remember, 1. You don’t want someone who will trigger your own food and body issues and 2. your body is definitely not a problem! As I’m writing this, I’m seeing all these ways that with dating when something goes wrong there is an inroad for blame towards your body. Dating and relationships are a place where the body can become a scapegoat for other problems, like a person’s poor communication skills or their rampant and blatant anti-fatness or healthism or ableism. No thank you! And please, don’t blame that on your body. Your body has resisted and endured that, but does not deserve the responsibility for the toxicity of it. And, we can throw in some complexity here- you might get triggered anyway even if it is a good fit, because even if there’s not a history of eating disorder or significant disordered eating, there are going to be some different food stuff that you are being introduced to and need to navigate and it will all depend on where you are in your process. How is this person when you reflect your experience? Are they listening, affirming, and responsive? Or are they defensive, denying, and rejecting?
Power pose and remind yourself of all of the wonderful attributes you possess (that have nothing to do with your body, or maybe do- with a focus on how cool it is) I’m not saying I was totally here when I met my fiancé, but I had done a lot of work on seeing my own inherent value and the attributes that I bring to this world. I was mostly owning that. And that makes a real difference in how you’ll feel and who you attract. Because a lot of me saw that in myself I believe I met a partner who saw it as well and amplified it.
Plan something fun for afterwards I remember I ran home from a bad first date one weekday to make myself a yummy dinner and cozy up and watch my favorite TV show. I had -Yes gotten excited about the dreamy person I was going to meet and how our lives would collide and everything would be different and I might have been planning my wedding on the way, AND, it was a bust which makes sense for a person I met on the internet. I wanted to run home and do whatever felt good, to remind myself that I’ve got myself, and it’s more fun being with me than trying to be with someone that doesn’t fit right.